shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
