I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
