I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
