i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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