alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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