So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
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