if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
