How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Boobs speak an international language.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
