im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
