I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
