Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Randomize
