I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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