I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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