hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
