My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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