i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
