remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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