Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
