This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
