Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
