Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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