what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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