At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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