I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
