I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
