The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
