I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
