The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
