if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
