You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize