i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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