Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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