I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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