i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
