am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
