I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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