I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
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