I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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