i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
i think my cat just said my name.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
