well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Randomize
