peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
there is glitter all over my balls
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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