a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
