I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i just had sex bonerless
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
