I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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