Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
