Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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