I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
