Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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