Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
stop calling my apartment porn island.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
