she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
