Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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