I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
the day after is always just damage control
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
