I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
