my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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