i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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