Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
