Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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