so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
