I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
